Meet the Squad

Every action hero has a special set of skills, and so do the heroes like us who write about those other heroes. The following is the only non-redacted information about your hosts that could be found in their secret government files:



Body Count: 88 confirmed kills.

Best Kill: Covered himself in mud and waited by a tree in a rainstorm just to kill one Soviet soldier.

Motto: “Pain don’t hurt.”

What Col. Trautman Would Say About Him: “What others call Hell, he calls home.”

Most Resembles: Sylvestor Stallone as Ray Tango.

Secretly Involved With: Erika Eleniak from “Under Siege.”

What He Watches When He Needs a Good Cry: “Cinderella Man”



Body Count: 127 confirmed kills, one more than that nancy boy Martin Riggs (*Note: please confirm with LAPD)/ 283 unconfirmed as the bodies were either vaporized from the explosions or fell down gorges too deep to descend.

Best Kill: A mystical Asian sorcerer once threw a dagger at his face, which he caught in mid-air and sent back into the sorcerer’s forehead, killing him instantly and ending an ancient curse. Easy day.

Motto: “You’re not wasting my time, I’m just cooling.”

What Col. Trautman Would Say About Him: “He’d eat things that would make a billy goat puke.”

Most Resembles: Lt. Gabe Cash in “Tango and Cash.”

Secretly Involved With: Kelly LeBrock from “Hard to Kill.”

What He Watches When He Needs a Good Cry: “The Folger’s Coffee Christmas commercial”



Body Count: 99

Best Kill: Grabbed a couple of arrows, pulled out some feathers, fired them at once and took down two dudes.

Motto: “Hey you, let’s fight. Dem’s fightin’ words.”

What Col. Trautman Would Say About Him: “He was shot in the face, head, stomach, ankle, leg, hip, and ear; survived two plane crashes; tunneled out of a POW camp; and tore off his own fingers when a doctor refused to amputate them. Describing his experiences, he said, ‘Frankly, I had enjoyed the war’.”

Most Resembles: Hound in “Transformers: Age of Extinction.”

Secretly Involved With: Mia Sara from “Timecop.”

What He Watches When He Needs a Good Cry: “Field of Dreams”



Body Count: 1 but it was a doozy (See below).

Best Kill: Decapitated a guard with a spoon, then threw him in a tree shredder, then put the shredder in a car compactor.

Motto: “God should have attached that a little better when you were born.”

What Col. Trautman Would Say About Him: “The world is a sick place. He’s the penicillin.”

Most Resembles: Sho Nuff from “The Last Dragon.”

Secretly Involved With: Sharon Stone from “Total Recall.”

What He Watches When He Needs a Good Cry: Anything the Red Sox did in 2004.