Could “Hurricane Heist” Be the Movie that Fills the “Geostorm”-Sized Hole in Our Hearts?

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Hopefully they remember to put a hurricane on that green screen, otherwise these actors are gonna look stupid.

Kevin: Two hours ago I didn’t know a movie called “Hurricane Heist” existed, and now it is officially my most anticipated movie of the year, and better yet it comes out next week. CJ, I know you and I have been feeling what doctors across the nation have dubbed the “post-‘Geostorm’ blues” ever since we experienced the high of seeing “Geostorm” followed by the low of knowing we would never have “Geostorm” to look forward to again. But just as we were about to fulfill our suicide pact, friend-of-the-site Ed pointed us to a movie that might give us a reason to keep living.

For one thing, “Hurricane Heist” appears to actually contain more natural disaster action than “Geostorm,” which let’s not forget was actually about trying to stop the geostorm, leading to the legendary “Time to Geostorm” countdown clock the movie went back to every few minutes. Now before I get ahead of myself, let’s also note that Maggie Grace is no Gerard Butler, although if she were she’d be our dream girl. However, I can’t wait to see her version of a tough-as-nails federal marshal, mainly because based on her track record in “The Taken” films, for all we know her character could be 16 and still getting her driver’s license in this.

I also notice that several characters are apparently supposed to be Alabama rednecks, and of course they are played by the Australian Ryan Kwanten, the British Toby Kebbell, and Ben Cross, who is so British he was in “Chariots of Fire” for fuck’s sake. I also can’t wait to see how they explain why the Toby Kebbell character also has some super futuristic James Bond/Batmobile prototype.

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The trailer also makes a point of noting that Rob Cohen directed “The Fast and the Furious” and “XXX.” First off, I can’t tell, is comparing yourself to “XXX” at this point supposed to be a good thing? Either way, it’s always a good sign when your director’s last noteworthy movie was 16 years ago, whereas every time Christopher Nolan releases a new film, the trailer usually highlights whatever he directed most recently rather than “Memento” from 2001. So since the trailer won’t mention it, I’ll note that since “XXX,” Cohen has directed “Stealth,” “The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor,” “Alex Cross,” and “The Boy Next Door,” the movie where a deranged stalked gifts J-Lo with a “first-edition” copy of “The Iliad”:

Honestly considering that David Ayer’s output is just as bad or maybe even worse, I’m not sure why he has been entrusted with major DC comic book properties, while Cohen is entrusted with milking a few extra bucks from “The Mummy” franchise. But if that career trajectory has given us “The Hurricane Heist,” then perhaps it will be worth it. All of which is a long way of saying that, whether it lives up to the promise of its trailer, I think we are all in for this, correct?

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CJ: My assumption is that this is the daughter from “Taken” all grown up (meaning she’s 21), and is hell bent on continuing to prove she’s learned nothing from those films since she’s now signed up to always put her life in harm’s way.

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Now two things stood out in this trailer:

First: In case you didn’t know hurricanes would be playing a pivotal role in this, arena anthem “Rock You Like A Hurricane” starts playing to correct that oversight. That is because this movie about hurricanes is going to rock you. How hard? Like a hurricane, you dumbasses!

Second: The entire trailer airs, and then they throw in these words in big bold letters, “$600 million stolen … at 600 mph.” First off, thanks, I’m officially no longer confused as to what this movie is about. Second, this would mean each hurricane is about 300 mph, while the fastest-ever was something around 200 mph tops. Hopefully that one 100-pound blonde lady is up to the challenge.

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Either way, my prediction is that “Hurricane Heist” actually launches a shared universe with “Geostorm,” where we find out about the many different weather-related adventures that were going down on Earth while Gerard was up in space trying to stop the geostorm. I call it the Butlerverse, and it is already more awesome than the Marvel and DC shared universes combined.

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3 thoughts on “Could “Hurricane Heist” Be the Movie that Fills the “Geostorm”-Sized Hole in Our Hearts?

    • Wait, that doesn’t work. They steal $1 million a time at 1 mph. 600 times. Yeah.

      Or maybe if you’re driving at 100 mph with a 200 mph storm blowing at your back, you get to 300 mph. Maybe both.

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