Kevin: Well CJ, today should have been one of the best days of our lives, as “Geostorm” is now officially available for purchase or rent on all major platforms, and thus the rest of the world can feel the same sense of exhilaration and fulfillment that we have carried with us ever since we walked out of the theater last October. Yet when I woke up this morning to watch today’s Academy Award nominations and see how many times the word “Geostorm” would be read from the podium, I dropped my coffee in dramatic slow motion when I realized it had been completely shut out! Forget James Franco, Armie Hammer, or Steven Spielberg, this is not only the biggest Oscar snub this year, but probably of all time.
No Best Actor nomination for TGD fave Gerard Butler’s portrayal of the world’s greatest scientist who also probably owns an “FBI: Federal Breast Inspector” t-shirt!
No Best Supporting Actor nomination for Ed Harris’ portrayal of a Secretary of State who handles minor policy disagreements with the President with rocket launchers!
No Best Supporting Actress nomination for the Brazilian chick who outran a killer blast of ice in just a bikini and flip-flops!
No Best Score nomination for Lorne Balfa’s haunting and unforgettable musical tracks such as “President Meeting” and “Hong Kong Falling”!
No Best Special Effects nomination for the film’s scientifically accurate depiction of a single bolt of lightning completely blowing up the Democrat National Convention!
No Best Director nomination for Dean Devlin for trying to warn us of the all-too-real consequences of meddling with Mother Nature by creating a satellite system that can control the weather, and then allowing it to be taken over by a Secretary of State who REALLY wants his boss’ job, and who will destroy all of America’s enemies in the process, including Brazil, Japan, and Dubai(?)!
No Best Picture nomination for a movie called “Geostorm” that managed to be the most entertaining film of 2017 even though it never actually showed us a geostorm!
Sorry, I think I need to step away from the computer for the rest of the day because I am just getting angrier the more I think about it. Forget #TimesUp, I think Tough Guy Digest needs to start our own #TimeToGeostorm protest in honor of the countdown clock that we see many, many, many times in “Geostorm.” It’s also just one of the reasons why, even though it may have gotten shut out by the Oscars, “Geostorm” will always be the real winner in our hearts, and at least now the rest of the world can see why. CJ before we conclude, is there anything you want to add about this travesty?
CJ: I think we need to run a second “Toughies Awards” that is entirely “Geostorm”-based. For instance, the “Best Performance by Gerard Butler” award goes to: Gerard Butler!
First I get the awful news that “Transformers” got a ton of Razzie nominations (unless the Razzies now are given out to cinema excellence? Cause then I’d be okay with that) and now this? This is A. BRIDGE. TOO. FAR!
But rather than fall into bitterness, I am going to channel my anger into something constructive, in this case pitching a storyline for the fourth film in Butler’s “Olympus Has Fallen” series after “Angel Has Fallen” assuredly blows us away next year. In this installment, the Academy Awards have been taken over by Islamic AND Russian terrorists for the sole purpose of highlighting awful and boring movies, because they don’t want us to know that “Geostorm” is a REAL THING. Well let me tell you, agent Mike Banning is not down with that shit. He uncovers this plot and has to kill his way to the top, spouting solid one-liners like “I must break you …r neck!,” “Enjoy that Stoli of death, Vladimir!,” and “Russia is a real sack of shit!”
In the end he bumps into Jake Geostorm, who is a real person, and who is also Gerard Butler! Dual roles! Together they take out all the Academy voters while always fighting in back-to-back style, until they reach Mr. Oscar, played of course by creepy ‘80s villain Billy Drago.
An epic battle ensues, ending only when Mike and Jake simultaneously punch through Drago’s chest, crushing his heart and lungs with their bare hands. Mike looks at Jake and says, “And the Oscar for Best Supporting Badass goes to you,” at which point Jake responds, “Hey, you’re the one supporting me buddy!,” and then they hug and laugh and walk away.
But seriously, not even a Best VFX nod for “Transformers” OR “Geostorm”? Fuck you Academy!
Kevin: Well at least by boycotting the Oscars this year we’ll have a few hours freed up to watch “Geostorm” yet again. And in case you are still not convince of it’s greatness, you can peruse through our many “Geostorm”-related posts over the past year: