Kevin: It’s not even December yet, but Hollywood has already gifted us with the first trailer for what is likely to be the big event film for 2018: “Paddington 2.” I guess it’s worth noting that we also got footage for yet another comic book movie, as well as a film that stars Kevin Spacey in an alternate universe where Kevin Spacey keeps his hands off the bathing suit area. But before we get to our favorite non-Seth McFarland-directed talking teddy bear franchise, let’s see what we think about our first look at “Avengers: Infinity War”:
My main takeaway: Thanos actually appears to do something other than make empty threats that he never follows through on! Specifically he takes one of those cute little gems you’d find in a trinket store from Paul Bettany (I have a feeling he’ll be the required sacrificial lamb to show that none of the good guys are safe in this, except for all the main characters who we know will not be dying) and places it on his Nintendo Power Glove. Of course he also throws out his requisite “In time, you will know what it’s like to lose … etc. etc.”
While I’d normally call that another one of his empty threats, honestly it’s so vague it could apply to anyone at any time. Like, yeah I guess it’s true that over enough time everyone will know what it’s like to lose at something, so that doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with Thanos. But hey, if nothing else we finally see Thanos out of his floating chair and walking around! I was starting to wonder if he was the Franklin D. Roosevelt of galactic supervillains.
Also, apparently like every movie nowadays they filmed this in Atlanta. I’m guessing that means they were mostly filming on a soundstage, because otherwise holy shit, Atlanta looks a lot more majestic than I realized. Although seriously, I bet the good people of Atlanta have probably moved past the “cool, movie stars are in our town!” to “they’re closing the freeway again for an action scene? Fuck you Hollywood assholes!” stage that those of us in Austin experienced when Robert Rodriguez was filming like five crappy movies a year here.
So here is the official synopsis for the movie: “Set four years after the events of ‘Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2,’ the Avengers, torn apart after the events of ‘Captain America: Civil War,’ join forces with the Guardians of the Galaxy to battle Thanos, who is trying to amass the Infinity Stones for a gauntlet that will allow him to inflict his will on all reality.”
Does anyone know what events from the last “Guardians” movie they are talking about here? It seemed like that was a pretty self-contained story, although as usual I didn’t sit silently in my seat for 20 minutes of credits to see a 30-second snippet that sets up like three more sequels. Also, “Thanos, who is trying to amass the Infinity Stones for a gauntlet that will allow him to inflict his will on all reality.” Once again, can you get any more fucking vague? He might as well team up with Steppenwolf from “Justice League” and form the ultimate alliance between supervillains who want to destroy the Earth because … eh, why not?
I will be down for this movie if Stallone’s character from “Guardians 2” shows up at the very end and kicks Thanos’ ass and declares himself ruler of Earth. And speaking of action greats, am I the only one who thinks Thanos looks like a giant purple Bruce Willis?
CJ: I don’t understand, where were the Transformers? Seriously, I am personally very excited for this movie. The trailer looked great, it seems to set up a lot of fun stuff (like Vision getting laid!), and possibly maybe Sammy L. is back! And I think Thanos looks like how Vin Diesel imagines HE looks like.
Mike: I hate all these superhero movies. It’s pretty amazing how much can be going on and at the same time absolutely NOTHING EVER HAPPENS! And why are they always having these battles on Earth? What is so great about Earth? Seems to me like it would be easier just to nuke Earth from orbit like in “Aliens.”
CJ: Did Mike just say he’s anti-Earth? Hey, we don’t need that shit here Mikey! You should quit your job and move to another planet! I bet you take a knee during the Earth anthem.
Mike: I am totally anti-Earth. Anyway, according to Wikipedia, Thanos is from Saturn, so I guess maybe he’s just tired of playing second fiddle to uppity Earthlings! Also, apparently “during his school years, Thanos was a pacifist and would only play with his brother Eros (Starfox) and pets.”
I guess prep school on Saturn is pretty cutthroat!
Kevin: Also according to Wikipedia …
– “By adolescence, Thanos had become fascinated with nihilism and death.” Let me guess, he started really getting into anything related to Jim Morrison and went through a brief Ayn Rand phase.
– “As an adult, Thanos augmented his physical strength and powers mystically and artificially.” So apparently he played for the Yankess in the mid- to late-2000s.
“He also attempted to create a new life for himself by starting a family.” Other than being a supervillain, half this guy’s backstory could apply to most of the people you saw at your last high school reunion.
Mike: My favorite part of the trailer was Bucky racking the slide on his AK-47. “You wanna fuck with us Thanos?! Well guess what, the good people at Remington ammunition might have something to say about that!” Then he fires and the bullets just bounce off Thanos, doing absolutely nothing.
Kevin: Hey Mike you never know until you try it. Remember that ancient god in “Suicide Squad” who was invincible against everything, except for a small explosive device set off by Clint Eastwood’s bastard son? Also remember when Arnold proved in “End of Days” that a rocket launcher can’t kill all mighty Satan, but it can apparently slow him down significantly?
Mike: What bothers me is that they act like each of these superheroes is equally indispensable. Here’s the hierarchy in my mind:
Thor – Tier 1 military unit
Loki – Tier 1 military unit
Vision/J.A.R.V.I.S. – Tier 1, since he seems to be immortal or something, I don’t know. He can fly.
Scarlett Witch – Not sure what her superpowers are, but I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt and say she’s at the level of a normal cop.
Dr. Strange – Cop
Iron Man – Cop
Hulk – Cop
Captain America – Cop
Hawkeye – Mall security
Black Widow – Mall security
Groot – He’s a tree …
Drax – Mall security
Rocket Raccoon – Mall security
Gamora – Mall security
Falcon – Mall security
Black Widow – Parking attendant
Black Panther – Hobo on the street
Ant-Man – Ant man …
CJ: You listed Black Widow twice and managed to downgrade her. I also feel like Hulk should be higher. Isn’t he indestructible?
Mike: She’s mall security! She has no super powers! All she can do is shoot two pistols and run kinda faster than an average person!! Hulk isn’t higher because he can’t get himself into space without help.
Here is what I would be saying: “Thanos is coming! Thor, Loki, you’re gods so you need to handle this. The rest of us will chill here on Earth and deal with purse snatchers and shit.”
Kevin: Not related to anything, but considering we have a white actress playing a character named Scarlett Witch, a white actress playing Black Widow, and a black actor playing Black Panther, is it racist if I keep accidentally calling Anthony Mackie’s character Black Falcon?
“All the Money in the World”
Although it is technically not a trailer, we also have new footage from “All the Money in the World,” which quickly went from being another Ridley Scott film (an iffy proposition at best of late) to an honest-to-god event movie due to the unprecedented decision to reshoot Kevin Spacey’s scenes only a few weeks before release. Amazingly the movie is on track to meet its planned Dec. 22 opening, and now we can get a taste of Christopher Plummer’s version of J. Paul Getty:
All we really see of Plummer are a couple of quick glimpses, but for comparison’s sake we can examine how he says the word “Nothing” in response to a reporter’s question at the :18 mark above versus how Spacey says it at the 2:03 mark in the trailer below:
Spacey says “Nothing” with a bit more menace, while Plummer almost shrugs while saying it, as if it is a completely obvious answer. I have no idea which would be closer to the real J. Paul Getty, but who cares, let’s just give Plummer the Oscar now! We also get an idea of how Scott was able to get these reshoots done so fast, as he obviously is re-using the original footage of the reporters, while inserting a shot of Plummer in the same location but with a different actor behind and in front of him. I always find this kind of thing distracting since it reminds of the scene in “Cannonball Run II” when Frank Sinatra was clearly not even in the same time zone as the other actors when he filmed this cameo:
Either way I am now genuinely interested to see the final result, and if nothing else Ridley Scott should be commended for such a fast turnaround. Although considering the release date is still a few weeks away, I wouldn’t be surprised if he got cocky and tried to see if he could re-film all of Mark Wahlberg’s scenes with Jai Courtney.
Finally we have “Paddington 2,” in which Paddington has to shank a member of the Aryan Brotherhood in order to avoid having his teeth knocked out and becoming a prison bitch. I know none of that is indicated in the trailer above, but apparently he does go to prison at one point, and we all know what happens there from watching HBO’s “Oz” right?
And even if by chance none of that actually happens in the movie, this will still be a family film in which a beloved children’s character is surrounded by rapists and murderers, some of whom he apparently helps escape in a hot air balloon! As one character says, “Paddington looks for the good in all of us, and somehow he finds it,” no matter how many innocent people have to die in the process apparently. Thanks Paddington, glad Charles Manson kicked the bucket before you had a chance to find the good in him and help set him loose as well!
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