(Originally posted Nov. 29, 2016)
Kevin: “He gets the job done” has long been the justification for the collateral damage often caused by our favorite heroes in the pursuit of justice. For instance, Dirty Harry has lost almost every one of his partners, but it was worth it as long as San Francisco scum tasted lead from his .44 Magnum in the end. Over the course of four movies, Detectives Riggs and Murtaugh have goaded South African “diplomats” into killing half the LAPD, blown up an entire building while just screwing around, and endangered countless civilians during their many public shootouts. And let’s not forget how the actions of Detectives Lowrey and Burnett in “Bad Boys II” caused untold property damage, the deaths of fellow cops and civilians, and possibly an international incident after destroying half of Cuba, just to nab one drug lord whose product may have possibly caused the accidental overdose of a single raver.
Say what you want about their methods, at least they got their man. But on the absolute opposite end of that spectrum you have Alabama cop Joe Huff, even better known as John Stone, even better betterer known as the character played by Brian Bosworth in his screen acting debut in “Stone Cold.” Following a colorful career as a celebrated linebacker for the Oklahoma Sooners, and a less-celebrated and injury-plagued stint with the Seattle Seahawks, Bosworth was ready to take his chiseled looks and in-your-face charisma to the big screen. Unfortunately, the studios showed as much interest in his acting ability as NFL teams did in his tackling ability, which is how the Boz ended up in the title role of “Stone Cold” in 1991.
Directed by Craig R. (“Action Jackson”) Baxley, “Stone Cold” concerns a currently on-suspension Alabama cop played by the Boz who is coerced into going undercover into a psychotic, murderous, drug-dealing Mississippi biker gang led by Hall of Fame bad guys Lance (“Hard Target”) Henriksen and William (“Out for Justice”) Forsythe. Infiltrating the gang is no problem, as Brian Bosworth by that time already had plenty of experience hanging out with drug dealers, rapists, and other associated sociopathic criminals as a player for a Barry Switzer-coached college football team in the 1980’s.
Once undercover, the Boz as “Stone” has to stop the gang from carrying out its plan to both free a fellow biker comrade, currently on death row for killing a priest, as well as murder the district attorney/governor candidate “Whip” Whipperton, who has pledged to crack down on organized crime in Mississippi. Well if you’ve seen enough action movies you know that Stone overcomes a number of obstacles and saves the day in the nick of time, right? Well, have I got a surprise for you.
First though, if you’ve never seen this movie or haven’t seen it in quite a while, let’s take a look at some of Stone’s wardrobe choices to get an idea of who we are dealing with here. At the beginning of the movie a group of criminals takes over a giant grocery store (a staple of ‘80s action movies like “Cobra”) and clean out its registers, which all together couldn’t come close to covering the black-market cost of the machine gun that one of the robbers uses to spray bullets into a chip stand for no reason whatsoever.
Either way, Stone conveniently happens upon all this by accident, and here is what he apparently wears to go grocery shopping:
Here is what he later wears while making breakfast:
This is what he is wearing when his partner (the professional kind) wakes him up in the morning:
And this is what he wears to show the biker gang that he is a tough guy who is not to be messed with:
I think I speak for all of us when I say, what the fuck is up with this weirdo?
Anyway, like I said, Stone’s objective is to stop the gang from freeing their comrade and killing D.A. Whipperton. At one point Stone’s wimp partner says the Bureau is ready to move in and bust the gang on some lower-level stuff, enough to get them off the streets for a few years. Stone basically says, “nah fuck that, I can get Henriksen’s old lady (biker parlance for girlfriend) to flip on him and take down the gang for good.” Sounds great right? Well here’s what happens next:
- Stone blows his cover during a high-speed chase right out in the open, during which a patrol cop gets riddled with bullets and blown up.
- Stone allows a giant container shipment of dangerous drugs to get released on the street.
- In order to recover the shipment, Stone disconnects the container from a truck by shooting at it, at which point the container crashes into a gas station and completely blows it up, possibly killing anyone inside and at the very least destroying the livelihood of the poor bastard who owned that store.
- The girl that Stone was going to flip and protect from Henrikson? Yeah, Henrikson shoots her in the face.
- Keeping his winning streak going, Stone then gets taken prisoner.
- The biker gang takes over the Mississippi State Courthouse.
- Stone escapes and jumps into action to save the day! Too bad by that point Henrikson and his gang have already killed two dozen cops and National Guardsmen, D.A. Whipperton, and machine-gunned THE ENTIRE MISSISSIPPI SUPREME COURT! Good job Stone!
- If that’s not bad enough, Stone doesn’t even kill Henrikson, he just punches him a few times and then turns his back on him like a moron, so his wimpy partner has to take him out.
Stone then strides out of the courthouse to the strains of a heavy metal soundtrack as if he was some awesome badass instead of a guy who will be giving depositions for the rest of his life about how the fuck he allowed a low-rent biker gang to kill THE ENTIRE MISSISSIPPI SUPREME COURT!
Stone may have killed the bad guys eventually, but otherwise they accomplished every one of their goals. In fact, if Stone had just stayed home in his disturbingly small thong the entire time, he would have had the exact same impact on the biker gang’s plans.
But while I think I’ve made the case that John Stone is the world’s most worthless hero, I hope I’ve also made the case that this is a movie you need to see as soon as possible. Unfortunately you cannot currently see it on iTunes, Netflix, or Hulu, but you can check it out online here for the time being:
But if you’d rather have a DVD in case the Internet permanently goes down some day, you can order one from Amazon using this link (not sure why the Boz looks like a cyborg on the DVD cover though). In conclusion, thanks Boz, you’re as awesome and entertaining as a fuck-up in movies as you were on the football field.
Update – Mike Adds His Two Cents on “Stone Cold”:
So Kevin I just finished this fucking horrible movie and your review nails it. I don’t really have too much to add other than it’s pretty strange to me that Stone has so much trust in that one biker chick; she basically figures him out from the start, and he’s just like, “Eh she’s cool, she won’t dime out old John Stone.”
Then you have that moment when he tries to pull over the truckload of drugs the mobsters are driving, and when they won’t pull over he shoots the trailer loose but leaves them to go on their merry way. He knows these people talk to head biker Chains (Henrickson), so why would he assume they wouldn’t call him and say, “Hey, that pretty boy biker in your gang just fucked up our million-dollar deal, what gives?!”
Another thing, now I’m no expert in undercover work, but I’d assume that if you want to infiltrate an organization and become a trusted member, you don’t normally do that by constantly fighting with the leader of the Brotherhood. Every time Chains and Stone have a scene together, Stone pulls his dick out and pisses all over Chains’ decision-making skills.
Speaking of Chains, his pitch for Stone to join the gang is great. He shows him a “cut” (biker lingo for the leather vests they all wear) and says, “These are our colors and they don’t run. If they touch the ground even in a fight I’ll peel your skin off with a knife dipped in shit.” Now that’s a pretty tempting offer.
Did you think it was strange that there is literally no explanation as to why the biker killed the priest in the beginning?
Either way, my favorite quote from the movie: “It’s times like this I think of my father’s last words, which were, ‘Don’t son that gun is loaded!’” – Chains to D.A. Whipperton right before he blows him away.
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