For Our 100th Post, Anthony Watches the Trailer for Halle Berry’s “Kidnap” and Says, “I Think I’ve Got it Figured Out”

Welcome to our 100th post!

It’s been a long road to that magical number and we appreciate everyone who has read and/or commented on the site. The next goal is 200 and then possibly enact a scheme worthy of a Bond villain to take over the world. Or 300.

For now, Inmates Take Over the Asylum Week continues as Anthony demands his turn in the sun. While CJ previously pitched a script idea to Nic Cage, Anthony didn’t want to leave his house and decided he could figure out a whole movie based on the trailer.

With that he chose Halle Berry’s new thriller, “Kidnap,” which is about everyone’s biggest fear: velociraptors that can open doors.

This actually isn’t a raptor opening the door. It’s how it chose to watch the “Kidnap”  trailer.

So Anthony, what do you have to say after watching the trailer? And please, feel as wishy-washy as possible about it.

Kidnap: The Inconclusively Definitive Review

Anthony: You have not heard from me for a bit.

Whether this is because I 1) have been extremely busy and unable to contribute in a meaningful way 2) played eight years of football and am suffering from CTE (Goodell: Nope!) and mistakenly think I have expertly written on every film that has already been reviewed or 3) when faced with the stark truth that I haven’t done anything of substance, ran in a zombie-like manner through glass doors like Brian Price – I apologize.

I would like to attempt to add to the content of our site by reviewing the newest Halle Berry film “Kidnap.” I realize this movie comes out on August 4th, but I believe that by watching the trailer, studying the poster, seeing who is a co-star, and eating a McChicken sandwich, I have all the pertinent information I need to properly review this celluloid masterpiece.

A McChicken sandwich or M.A. in Film Studies? Trick question, they are the same.

Here we go:

First off, Christopher Berry is credited as The Bearded Man and I must say he is superb in this role. He is bearded and he is a man. Oscar nominee for sure. But the fact that Halle used her clout to greenlight this as a vehicle to further her husband’s career is shameful. Nepotism is an ugly thing and I am shocked that…they’re not married? They’re not related at all? Ok…moving on.

Halle is obviously trying to capitalize on the nostalgia of “Back To The Future.” The fact that her son is abducted in a DeLorean is cringe-worthy. It’s an obvious ploy to get the fans of that classic trilogy to spend money on a cheap…that’s not a DeLorean? It’s just a piece of shit car that resembles one? But why would they use that? She chased them down in a fucking minivan!! Ok…moving on.

Halle is obviously trying to be Liam Neeson. Surely we can all agree on this? Right now there are two valets (that look strangely identical to Key and Peele) that are literally exploding after watching this trailer.

 

Key and Peele or Mike and Anthony on a Friday night? You decide.

Halle – all of a sudden – goes from an everyday mother to a stunt driving, martial arts knowing jack-of-all-trades that tracks down the kidnappers and, given America’s need for a happy ending, kills them all in a gory shower of motherly justice. You do realize that “Taken” and “Taken 2” were PG-13 and “Kidnap” is a hard R? And what obvious point are the filmmakers trying to ram down our throats? Black soccer moms are more violent and skilled in ways to kill than retired Caucasian CIA agents? Thank goodness the filmmakers finally got something right!

So that’s my review…oh and Halle apparently gets punched or falls down or something because the poster has her prominently displaying a shiner that says “I’m tough and Liam ain’t shit!”

Thanks for your time and attention. If you need me, I’ll be talking to my car as only a person that watched Gymkata and enjoyed it would. At least I have football as an excuse, I have no idea what these other fellas are doing to their grey matter.

TGD: Thanks Anthony, you’ve definitely made no one want to see this movie. Look forward to more of Anthony’s reviews of things he barely watches when he gives us his take on the final season of Game of Thrones, despite never watching any previous seasons.

Jon Snow? Jack from “Lost”? A Soprano? Anthony has no idea. Seriously, we could tell him this is Walter White and he’d nod along.

Stay tuned for Part 3 of Inmates Take Over the Asylum Week when Mike reviews “Spider-Man.” As a preview, here is something Mike texted earlier today:

“I don’t know anything about Spider-Man. Almost nothing.”

Should be good!

 

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2 thoughts on “For Our 100th Post, Anthony Watches the Trailer for Halle Berry’s “Kidnap” and Says, “I Think I’ve Got it Figured Out”

  1. Pingback: Mike was so Committed to Giving a Spoiler-Free Review of “Spider-Man: Homecoming” he Didn’t Even Watch it. | Tough Guy Digest

  2. Pingback: Kevin and CJ Pass Judgment on the Non-Sly Version of “Dredd” | Tough Guy Digest

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