Kevin is in the process of moving this week, so get ready everyone, cause CJ, Mike, and Anthony are in charge!
Will it be a disaster? Yes.
Will we remember to publish things? Yes, but also no.
Will CJ use this as an excuse to put more Transformers stuff on the site? No.
If you are the betting type, put your money on us failing. By the end of the week we will end up crying on Kevin’s doorstep because we accidentally signed up for a subscription to a porn site when trying to post an article. (We need you Kevin, we can’t find the FREE porn!)
Anyways, CJ starts us off with a movie idea for Nic Cage. Given how things are going, there’s actually a chance he would accept. Take it away, CJ!
CJ: I wasn’t sure what to do my initial post about. At first I thought about reveling in the fact that “Transformers: The Last Knight” was making me correct about my 2017 prediction. 100% correct.
But writing is hard! And also I didn’t want to. Instead I decided to re-post something from my past. Enter Fwriction: Review, a literary review blog where many moons ago I submitted a movie idea for the great Nic Cage. I reached out to Fwriction: Review’s editor, Danny Goodman (@ddouglasgoody), to gain his permission.
“This is a great idea! Due to our long history of friendship and numerous adventures together, I would be more than happy to let you republish your brilliant work. Tell me, do you still own your big house, luxury cars, and many well-behaved horses?*”
(* This is what I assume he meant when he responded to my email with “Sure.”)
Such flattery was too much, but I was glad he said yes. I was also glad he remembered our many adventures. We
buried made a lot of bodies memories together. None of which included burying bodies. Definitely not because of obscene gambling debts.
I cleverly made one small edit for modern times (see if you can guess what it was!) and inserted a couple of pictures to help tell the story. Facts and logic were also not welcome here. I would best describe my writing process on this piece as “most likely drunk.” Other than that, it’s some of my finest work and if anyone knows Nic Cage, please pass along the link, as I think this would do really well at the box office. I’m not even kidding right now, I think he’d go for this.
With that being said, please enjoy “Home Run to My Heart” starring Nic Cage.
Reprinted with permission from Fwriction: Review (@fwrictionreview).
Nic Cage needs a baseball movie.
Bauer J. Fox is a single father of four, who gave up the sport he loved and took a job at the zoo in order to support his family. Then one day, while cleaning the monkey cages, a chimpanzee named Donna threw him a ball, and they had a game of catch. Filled with excitement, Bauer decides to try and be a walk-on for the Boston Red Sox, who want nothing to do with him because they are racists. (This movie takes place in 1912. Nic does not play a white man.)
His idiot best friend, Joe, will be played by George Clooney. Joe will die from being eaten by a shark. Or Gonorrhea.
So whatever, he goes somewhere else, like the Pittsburgh Pirates.
While there, he learns of a MASSIVE conspiracy to assassinate the President of the United States, so he quickly masters kung-fu and detectiving and sets out with the team, and as he travels throughout every city, he puts together the clues from each day’s box score to find out who is behind this dastardly plot.
He slowly discovers that the man behind this assassination is none other than…the-yet-to-be-born spirit of Hitler! Determined to stop him, Bauer challenges Hitler Spirit to a winner-takes-all game of Risk. This week-long game will take eight hours of screen time, and eventually Hitler Spirit loses when Bauer, in the irony of all ironies, takes France.
He then goes back to the Pirates and finds out he has been cut because he disappeared for a week. Business is business.
Bauer also left his kids alone to travel the country. So, I’m pretty sure they’re dead.
I’ll bet none of you saw that twist ending coming! Up next this week we will have Anthony! Or Mike! I really don’t know! When I pitched this idea Anthony responded with “Sounds cool” and Mike said nothing because I think he was already in bed. Will anyone write anything? This is already going poorly.
Anyways, I don’t know how Kevin usually ends these so, uh, bonus Al Leong?
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