Flashback: With “Alien: Covenant” Upon Us, a Reminder of the Dumbest Moments from “Prometheus”

Kevin: It’s hard to believe it’s been less than five months since Twentieth Century Fox gifted us with the first footage of “Alien: Covenant” on Christmas Day last year. While the idea of doing a sequel to the wildly polarizing “Prometheus” seemed insane when it was first announced, Ridley Scott’s newest chapter in the series is finally upon us this weekend, and the reaction so far is mixed-positive.

As you can see from our post below following the first trailer, the Tough Guy staff had a lot of issues with “Prometheus” and a lot of questions/concerns regarding “Alien: Covenant.” Probably the biggest question we have is whether this new entry will at least be more satisfying than “Prometheus,” or whether we will have to again watch unlikable characters doing stupid things, leading to an ending with zero resolution. Either way we’ll keep our fingers crossed and report back next week.

(Originally posted Dec. 25, 2016)

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Ridley Scott’s main bit of direction while filming “Prometheus”: “Do the stupidest possible thing at all times.”

Kevin: Christmas morning is a time for unwrapping presents, seeing the joy on the faces of children, and watching Billy Crudup get attacked by an alien facehugger, or at least it was this year as Fox honored the day of Christ’s birth by releasing the red-band trailer for Ridley Scott’s eagerly awaited(?) “Alien: Covenant.”

Scott and the studio are being very cagey about whether this new movie is more of an “Alien” prequel or a “Prometheus” sequel, probably for good reason as “Prometheus” was one of the best-looking movies I’ve seen on a big screen that also contained some of the dumbest characters and story beats ever put to celluloid. Before we discuss this newest trailer, the Tough Guy staff has helpfully put together a list of the 12 stupidest moments from a very stupid movie:

1) The crew of Prometheus has apparently signed on to being away from Earth for more than 5 years without knowing anything about the mission or where they are going until after they are woken up from deep space hibernation.

2) After landing on a previously unexplored planet, boyfriend scientist tells everyone to immediately suit up and head outside. When Idris Elba tells him that it will be dark in a few hours and they should wait until morning, he says, “It’s Christmas captain, and I want to open my present.” No one responds, “Sorry dickhead but we don’t answer to you, we’re still waiting until morning.”

3) Upon seeing that a member of their security team plans to bring a flame thrower – on account of them being on an alien planet and they have absolutely no idea what they will be encountering – lady scientist condescendingly says, “This is a scientific expedition; no weapons.” For some reason they listen to her even though, again, she has absolutely no authority to make that kind of call, and she’s a fucking idiot.

4) After about 5 minutes on an alien space craft, these supposed “scientists” take their helmets off because the CO2 levels read the same as on Earth, at which point they start breathing in anything else in the atmosphere that is probably not from Earth. It looks like at least one other person, apparently from Eastern Europe, also had flashbacks to “Amazon Women on the Moon” during this scene:

5) After finding some cave drawings at the start of the film, the scientists convince a company to spend $1 trillion (the actual amount quoted in the movie) to send them to a distant planet on a hunch, after which they arrive at that planet and immediately find the exact spot they were looking for, then discover an alien space craft, then incontrovertible evidence of an alien civilization and absolute proof that their wild hypothesis was totally accurate, all within their first hour after landing. But because they don’t yet find an actual living alien before they have to turn back for the night, boyfriend scientist gets pissed off and blind drunk and wonders if they “wasted their time.” I’m pretty sure this is not how real scientists behave.

6) While two crew members are still behind in the alien ship, Idris Elba abandons his post monitoring their safety in order to fuck Charlize Theron. Nevermind, that’s actually the only smart thing anybody does in this movie.

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Charlize taking a breather after getting “Elba’d,” if you know what I mean.

7) They send a drone to laser map the entire cave and eight seconds later all of the scientists are lost inside of it and there is no mention of the map.

8) Old Ass McFuckFace (aka Guy Pearce) is able to stow away in his hidey hole on the ship and not one sensor, motion detector, or energy readout gives some clue that there’s someone else on the ship. Speaking of which, why in every “Alien” movie is the ship 150x too big compared to the size of the crew? In “Alien” there are about 6 crew on board, while the Prometheus has apparently 17 total. Give them a ship the size of a major mall’s parking installation both above and below ground rather than one the size of the Pentagon. God forbid the cat not have enough space to roam and drop turds, let alone get lost and get half the crew murdered.

9) Lady scientist uses the surgical machine in Charlize’s pod to get the alien creature out of her. She then stumbles upon Weyland and company all bloody and bandaged, yet they don’t seem to care about finding out what happened to her. No one else seems to be aware that a giant octopus-like creature is in Charlize’s pod until the very end.

10) As the giant crashing spaceship the size of an aircraft carrier rolls toward them, Charlize gets crushed while lady scientist saves herself by rolling an entire four feet to the left. When this happened we’re pretty sure we heard Anthony yell, “Jesus Christ!” in the theater.

11) Lady scientist packs up Michael Fassbender’s head and flies off to confront The Engineers about why they created the human race. Based on everything we’ve seen so far, this will entail her asking that question and then immediately getting her head ripped off, which would make me happy if that’s how Ridley Scott begins this new movie.

12) After a year-long ad campaign that no-so-subtly teased “Prometheus” as being a stealth “Alien” prequel, we spend two hours watching a movie about giant bald Albino men before finally getting a brief shot of the familiar alien xenomorph right before the credits. Unlike his earlier “Robin Hood,” in which the actual fun stuff about the Robin Hood story was teased for a sequel that never happened, we shockingly are getting the chance to actually see the movie we were promised 5 years ago.

So what say you guys, what’s your first impression of this trailer? There’s no question we are all seeing this in the theater, but did “Prometheus” forever destroy your anticipation for further “Alien” or even Ridley Scott films? Is this going to be another bait-and-switch where they tease us with “Alien” stuff while giving us more Albino men? Will this finally live up to our expectations or can we expect cinematic blue balls again?

Anthony: First off, judging by the size of the ship (which I approximate to be twice that of the Seattle Space Needle), the rules of the “Alien” movie universe dictate that the crew will only number 12 people. There will be 14 working light bulbs in 35 miles of dark corridors. The shower scene alone told me all I needed, as it looked like they were in an industrial-sized meat locker that happened to have a water main burst. The woman that has the audacity to question the captain says, “we don’t know what the fuck’s out there,” making her without a doubt the smartest character ever seen in an “Alien” film. And yet they go down to the strange planet for funsies, and a couple of weird floating ear viruses later it’s bloody-faces time.

“Aliens” is my favorite in the series because they were Space Marines going to kick ass. They didn’t have to be smart because they had guns. Every other movie has supposedly brilliant scientists making the kind of mistakes horny campers make in slasher movies, and it was sickening to watch. It seems like “Alien: Covenant” combines both victim types, so now I’m really confused. But isn’t that what Ridley does best these days anyway?

Mike: Adam McKay and Will Ferrell must be producing this version of “Alien” since I spotted Danny McBride in the trailer. Although he didn’t have any lines, I’m sure he’ll provide some minor comic relief and then immediately become alien food. Hopefully we get a scene of him smashing an alien in the head with a baseball bat, followed by the line, “I guess black does crack!”

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Apparently rednecks will still exist and work in the transportation industry in 2093.

CJ: I’m confused. I thought at the end of “Prometheus” that Noomi Rapace and Fassbender were on their way to another planet, not Earth to recruit a new team. So is that what they did? And doesn’t it take forever to get back to Earth? So will we have some scene explaining how she first left Earth 35 years ago and is now back? This already makes my head hurt.

If this was the original prequel we were promised with “Prometheus,” I would be jacked beyond belief. From the trailer it looks intense and scary, the alien xenomorph and facehugger looked cool, and I can also dig on an alien getting a little frisky in the shower before what looks like a solid kill. Unfortunately I have a feeling that everything cool will happen off screen and the majority of the movie will be focused on people breathing heavily and Rapace continuing her super creepy and condescending smile from “Prometheus.” I hope Fassbender just eats her brain.

Speaking of Fassbender, count me as someone no longer on that particular train. He doesn’t do anything bad per se, but he never does anything to make me go, “Oh Michael Fassbender is in this? I gotta see it.” It’s more like, “Oh Michael Fassbender is in this? Ok, that certainly is a fact about the casting of this film.” Maybe I’m wrong and just missed something he was really good in, or am jealous of his apparently big dick.

Film Title: Inglourious Basterds

Actually I was really good in “Inglorious Basterds” and yes I have a big dick, thank you very much.

Also, I can’t imagine they’ll have Danny McBride go all “Eastbound and Down” in this, which leads me to the obvious follow-up question: What the hell is Danny McBride like when he’s not doing his standard “Eastbound and Down” persona? That could actually be Scott’s biggest career gamble.

Kevin: Actually Scott’s biggest career gamble was betting on Orlando Bloom’s star power to carry “Kingdom of Heaven,” and we know how that turned out. Hopefully he has better luck when “Alien: Covenant” arrives in theaters May 19, 2017.

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