Tough Guy Digest Salutes True American Hero Brandon Vezmar

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Another scene probably ruined by Brandon Vezmar’s horrible date.

Kevin: The word “hero” isn’t used lightly in this country. Actually I take that back, it’s used incredibly lightly; Lena Dunham is probably called a hero an average of 30,000 times whenever she posts a selfie of herself in a one-piece. But I don’t think any other word in the dictionary could do justice to Austin resident Brandon Vezmar, who has taken the war against rude movie theater patrons to another level.

Having a nice night at the movies ruined by even just one person who has never heard of the Golden Rule is something we can all relate to. Loud talkers, texters, and screaming kids are just a few of the potential annoyances we face when walking up to the ticket booth.

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Max Cady ruining a screening of “Problem Child.” (And that’s not a joke, that’s actually the movie Nick Nolte and family were trying to watch in this scene.)

Most people just deal with it by seething in silence, although the other members of the TGD staff will attest that my reaction can range from politely asking someone to keep their voice down to going full Sam Kinison on them. However, I’ve never considered legal action, but that’s why I’m not a heroic trailblazer like Vezmar.

According to the Austin American-Statesman, Vezmar is suing a woman for $17.31, the cost of his 3D ticket for a recent screening of “Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2.” While Vezmar should have been caught up in the magic of seeing Star-Lord and crew back on the silver screen, as well as Sylvester Stallone and Michael Rooker sharing a scene for the first time since “Cliffhanger,” instead he was subjected to a woman using her phone “at least 10-20 times in 15 minutes to read and send text messages.”

Oh yeah, did I mention that the woman he is suing was also his date for the evening? Holy shit, I love this guy!

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How I picture Brandon Vezmar.

Apparently Vezmar met the defendant online and took her to the movie for their first date. When he politely asked her to stop texting or at least continue outside the theater, she allegedly took off in her car and left him at the multiplex. The article doesn’t say how he got home (and maybe I’m old fashioned, but I find it odd that she was the one picking him up), but either way I’m sure he’d agree that staying home and masturbating with sandpaper would have been a more pleasurable option that evening.

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How I picture Brandon Vezmar’s date.

Now while that’s Vezmar’s version of events, here is the unnamed woman’s defense of her behavior in the theater:

“I had my phone low and I wasn’t bothering anybody,” she said. She was texting a friend, who was having a fight with her boyfriend, she said. “It wasn’t like constant texting.”

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Yeah that’s my reaction too Chris!

Well ma’am, on behalf of the people around you trying to enjoy the movie, let me say this: FUUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUUUU! You may think you were not bothering anybody, but that’s because you are probably a complete narcissist. Also I’m sure your friend fights with her boyfriend twice a day, and I wouldn’t be surprised if they were having their current spat in the middle of another movie as well.

While the actual damages sought are small, Vezmar’s petition states that such disruptive behavior at the cinema is “a threat to civilized society.” Damn right! No matter how the case shakes out, Brandon Vezmar is our kind of moviegoer, and we support his fight for those of us who want to enjoy a night at the movies in peace every step of the way. And since a couple of the TGD staff reside in Austin, we’ll gladly go to see “Alien: Covenant” at the Alamo Drafthouse with you this weekend Brandon. And we’ll even pick you up if you still need a ride! (CJ: I’d buy his ticket.)

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Unless you want to see “Snatched,” in which case we’ll have to discuss.

5 thoughts on “Tough Guy Digest Salutes True American Hero Brandon Vezmar

  1. Best reaction I ever had to a couple who wouldn’t stop talking behind me at the AMC Kips Bay –

    Me (turning around): Excuse me, but are you under the impression you’re in your living room?
    Them: What?
    Me: Does this theater resemble your living room in any way? Do you have stadium seating or folks with popcorn or cup holders in your arm rests?
    Them: No.
    Me: Then stop acting like you’re in your living room. The rest of us are trying to hear the movie and we don’t have a “pause” button.

    Not a peep from them after that.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Kevin: That’s slightly more diplomatic than the time me, CJ, and friend of the site Danny G. were seeing “True Grit” at the Union Square theater. We were sitting near the back row, and after about 25 minutes of commercials and trailers and right as the movie’s opening narration began, a solitary man walked into the theater and starting shining a small flashlight in all our eyes in order to find a seat up top. At which point I yelled, “Get that fucking light out of our eyes and sit in the front row!,” which also seemed to have the desired effect.

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  3. I’ve had a few occasions to interact with fellow moviegoers about their max-screen-brightness phone but they’re always preceded by me having to overcome the nervous, prickly pre-confrontation energy that is inherent to the risk-averse.

    Most egregious example I can remember in Kevin’s company was during the Matthew Broderick smash-hit Godzilla remake when some mom let her three year old run up and down the theater steps and back and forth in front of the front row until the little kid finally misjudged a step and tumbled down a few. Mom removed the kid who seemed to be fine other than a long future of being raised by someone socially inconsiderate, I believe there was scattered applause to accompany their exit. I don’t recall Kevin’s exact whereabouts from memory so it’s not entirely impossible that he didn’t stealthily plant himself near the aisle to trip the little romper.

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    • The reason you don’t remember me was because I was not in attendance with ya’ll for that classic film that night. You were sitting next to me when I yelled “Shut the fuck up!” at the talkative group near us at the beginning of The Raid 2.

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