Kevin: Movie lovers – especially those of a certain age – were thrilled by the announcement that after a long hiatus, director Steven Spielberg and star Harrison Ford are bringing everyone’s favorite adventure-loving archaeologist/part-time professor Indiana Jones back to the silver screen. Of course I’m not talking about now, I’m referring instead to the more innocent days of 2007, when we all assumed that if they were finally doing another sequel after the nearly perfect send-off of Jones and family into the sunset in “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade,” obviously they had a really great story to tell. Then we actually saw the movie.
I for one don’t remember exactly when the movie came off the rails for me, but I do remember walking out of it and a guy in line for the next showing asked how it was in a very hopeful manner. Perhaps I didn’t want to see the disappointment in his face, or maybe I didn’t want to face the truth yet myself, but I lied and said, “Not bad,” which still haunts me to this day. Maybe I should have prepared him for lots of CGI gopher reaction shots, Cate Blanchett in a Moe Howard wig and Boris Badenov accent, endless sequences of Harrison Ford wandering around obvious sets, the origin of the phrase “nuking the fridge,” and Shia Labeouf looking like he was auditioning for a remake of “Cruising”:
You would think those involved would want to quit while they’re behind, yet Disney recently announced that we will be getting a fifth Indiana Jones adventure on July 19, 2019. Yeah I know Disney made a pretty good return on “Star Wars: The Force Awakens,” which brought Ford back to the role of Han Solo and almost brought the actor to the role of a corpse for his trouble. But by the time this one is released Ford will be 77, so unless there is an ancient treasure buried somewhere in Indy’s retirement home, I can’t imagine he’ll be doing a lot of heavy lifting in this. Perhaps this will mainly entail Indy opening up a scrapbook of his previous adventures, which dissolves into flashbacks of his younger self, played of course by this guy:
So what say the rest of you, what are your memories of “Kingdom of the Crystal Skull,” and did it dim any enthusiasm you may have had for any more Indiana Jones? For me the most unforgivable sin of the fourth film was how badly they botched the third-act chase, typically the centerpiece action highlight of any Indiana Jones movie:
Other than firing that rocket launcher (and I’m not sure what his plan was with that), Indy hardly does anything other than punch a few guys and then drive around while watching other people do stuff. Meanwhile half the action appears to be in front of obvious green screens, Shia fences with Cate Blanchett (yeah remember how they not-at-all-awkwardly inserted a comment about how this Fonzie-wannabe was somehow a great high school fencer?) for no reason since his mom could just easily drive a different direction rather than put her son in danger, and somehow they filmed a sequence where Shia swings on vines and apparently can communicate with monkeys, and after looking at it later on still decided to keep it rather than burning it with fire.
CJ: Speaking of his mom, remember how it was supposed to be a big secret that Karen Allen was returning as Marion, and then when the news leaked the filmmakers were all “thanks a lot assholes, now the surprise is ruined!” Yeah, I could have cared less since I had forgotten who she was.
Kevin: Let’s not forget the other big secret that got leaked, which was that Shia would be revealed as Indy’s long-lost son. Even those of us who heard about that were still surprised when we saw the film, only because we couldn’t believe the filmmakers would go through with the notion that this kid shares the same DNA as Harrison Ford:
Mike: I hated that movie with such a passion. Interesting story, I went to the theater drunk out of my mind and my ex-girlfriend (who was drunk out of her mind) got mad at me because I fell asleep at one point, then woke up to see Shia Le Bouf (Kevin: I know Mike misspelled his name but I’m keeping it) swinging from vines and I started to talk really loudly about how retarded it was. That movie was just an utter disappointment on every single level. I would eventually see it sober just to be sure, and realized pretty quickly it was much better when I was hammered but still really bad.
CJ: I like how most peoples’ movie routine involves showing up early and getting popcorn, whereas Mike’s is getting liquored up, taking a nap, then forgetting where he is. It’s eerily close to what homeless people do on the subway.
Kevin: Either way, Spielberg seems a lot more confident than the rest of us that Harrison Ford is not going to collide with a commercial airliner or break both legs filming a scene where he steps out of a car. Also, considering how little they obviously didn’t want to leave Malibu and actually film on location for the last one, is this mainly going to be filmed in Ford and Spielberg’s back yards? Finally, based on the timeline of the series this is going take place in the late 60’s, and I for one do not want to see Indiana Jones interact with hippies, unless he’s using his whip to stop them from burning their draft cards. Take that you godless long-haired freaks!