News of a New Indiana Jones Sequel Has TGD Asking: Dear God Why?

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An elderly and confused Harrison Ford does battle with lifeless mannequins in “Indiana Jones 5.”

Kevin: Movie lovers – especially those of a certain age – were thrilled by the announcement that after a long hiatus, director Steven Spielberg and star Harrison Ford are bringing everyone’s favorite adventure-loving archaeologist/part-time professor Indiana Jones back to the silver screen. Of course I’m not talking about now, I’m referring instead to the more innocent days of 2007, when we all assumed that if they were finally doing another sequel after the nearly perfect send-off of Jones and family into the sunset in “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade,” obviously they had a really great story to tell. Then we actually saw the movie.

I for one don’t remember exactly when the movie came off the rails for me, but I do remember walking out of it and a guy in line for the next showing asked how it was in a very hopeful manner. Perhaps I didn’t want to see the disappointment in his face, or maybe I didn’t want to face the truth yet myself, but I lied and said, “Not bad,” which still haunts me to this day. Maybe I should have prepared him for lots of CGI gopher reaction shots, Cate Blanchett in a Moe Howard wig and Boris Badenov accent, endless sequences of Harrison Ford wandering around obvious sets, the origin of the phrase “nuking the fridge,” and Shia Labeouf looking like he was auditioning for a remake of “Cruising”:

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You would think those involved would want to quit while they’re behind, yet Disney recently announced that we will be getting a fifth Indiana Jones adventure on July 19, 2019. Yeah I know Disney made a pretty good return on “Star Wars: The Force Awakens,” which brought Ford back to the role of Han Solo and almost brought the actor to the role of a corpse for his trouble. But by the time this one is released Ford will be 77, so unless there is an ancient treasure buried somewhere in Indy’s retirement home, I can’t imagine he’ll be doing a lot of heavy lifting in this. Perhaps this will mainly entail Indy opening up a scrapbook of his previous adventures, which dissolves into flashbacks of his younger self, played of course by this guy:

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Young Indiana Jones, the best pledge master Delta Kappa Epsilon ever had!

So what say the rest of you, what are your memories of “Kingdom of the Crystal Skull,” and did it dim any enthusiasm you may have had for any more Indiana Jones? For me the most unforgivable sin of the fourth film was how badly they botched the third-act chase, typically the centerpiece action highlight of any Indiana Jones movie:

Other than firing that rocket launcher (and I’m not sure what his plan was with that), Indy hardly does anything other than punch a few guys and then drive around while watching other people do stuff. Meanwhile half the action appears to be in front of obvious green screens, Shia fences with Cate Blanchett (yeah remember how they not-at-all-awkwardly inserted a comment about how this Fonzie-wannabe was somehow a great high school fencer?) for no reason since his mom could just easily drive a different direction rather than put her son in danger, and somehow they filmed a sequence where Shia swings on vines and apparently can communicate with monkeys, and after looking at it later on still decided to keep it rather than burning it with fire.

CJ: Speaking of his mom, remember how it was supposed to be a big secret that Karen Allen was returning as Marion, and then when the news leaked the filmmakers were all “thanks a lot assholes, now the surprise is ruined!” Yeah, I could have cared less since I had forgotten who she was.

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“Hey I was just in an episode of ‘Blue Bloods’ in 2014!”

Kevin: Let’s not forget the other big secret that got leaked, which was that Shia would be revealed as Indy’s long-lost son. Even those of us who heard about that were still surprised when we saw the film, only because we couldn’t believe the filmmakers would go through with the notion that this kid shares the same DNA as Harrison Ford:

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Mike: I hated that movie with such a passion. Interesting story, I went to the theater drunk out of my mind and my ex-girlfriend (who was drunk out of her mind) got mad at me because I fell asleep at one point, then woke up to see Shia Le Bouf (Kevin: I know Mike misspelled his name but I’m keeping it) swinging from vines and I started to talk really loudly about how retarded it was. That movie was just an utter disappointment on every single level. I would eventually see it sober just to be sure, and realized pretty quickly it was much better when I was hammered but still really bad.

CJ: I like how most peoples’ movie routine involves showing up early and getting popcorn, whereas Mike’s is getting liquored up, taking a nap, then forgetting where he is. It’s eerily close to what homeless people do on the subway.

Kevin: Either way, Spielberg seems a lot more confident than the rest of us that Harrison Ford is not going to collide with a commercial airliner or break both legs filming a scene where he steps out of a car. Also, considering how little they obviously didn’t want to leave Malibu and actually film on location for the last one, is this mainly going to be filmed in Ford and Spielberg’s back yards? Finally, based on the timeline of the series this is going take place in the late 60’s, and I for one do not want to see Indiana Jones interact with hippies, unless he’s using his whip to stop them from burning their draft cards. Take that you godless long-haired freaks!

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Indy’s greatest adversary yet.

5 thoughts on “News of a New Indiana Jones Sequel Has TGD Asking: Dear God Why?

  1. Okay. a. Typo while pointing out a misspelling. Awesome: “but I’m keep it”

    b. You guys are being way too hard on that movie. I loved the part where … no, I’m kidding. Honestly, I remember none of it other than the really impressive job the makeup department did, mostly on Karen Allen, since she has not actually aged particularly well (say what you will, but I loved her as Katie in “Animal House”).

    c. That said, the bar is set so low, it’s entirely possible this next installment could be at least somewhat redeeming. i) For starters, make the bad guys Russian again. The cold war isn’t as cool as fighting Nazis, but it can still be pretty cool. Especially since there’s a good chance the world might actually be at war with Russia by the time the movie is released. ii) somehow get Harrison Ford to appear to be enjoying himself. Honestly, the last movie I saw him smile in was “Six Days, Seven Nights” (1998) and it was probably because he got to act against Anne Heche’s rack. One of the best parts of the Raiders movies is that even when he’s about to die, part of Indy is still having fun. If Indy being shot at isn’t fun for Indy, it’s not fun for us. It’s like he did Air Force One (1997) and forgot how to smile. Though he’s married to Calista Flockhart. So maybe that has something to do with it. iii) the stakes have to be cataclysmic. The worst part about Temple of Doom was that if Indy hadn’t succeeded, oh, no, a small village in India would have suffered. iv) it has to be in space.

    Kidding about that last one.

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    • Considering how drunk we are when writing these it’s a miracle there aren’t more typos. Speaking of drinking, it wasn’t Karen Allen’s appearance so much in “Crystal Skull” as the fact that she seemed a little tipsy or at least not all there in a lot of her scenes. For this next one all will depend on who writes the script, maybe they’ll get someone with a really fresh and unique take, or more likely they’ll hire this guy: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0940790/#writer

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