Hugh Jackman is finally free to eat a carb for the first time in nearly 20 years, as his indentured servitude to the Marvel factory was completed with the release last weekend of his final outing as Wolverine. Although it appeared on three out of four of our “Least Anticipated” lists earlier this year, somehow Tough Guy Digest’s huge cultural clout was not enough to keep “Logan” from dominating at the box office and being declared “The Best Comic Book Movie Ever” by the people who say that about every comic book movie they just saw. We sent resident Marvel skeptic CJ to a screening to see if our earlier concerns about the film were misplaced, and this is what he reported back:
CJ: I enjoyed “Logan,” but “Hey, that was a solid movie” would make for a terrible TGD article. So instead I went back to my thoughts in my “Least Anticipated” roundup and responded Fire Joe Morgan style. But first a few housekeeping notes: Anthony, you will like this movie a lot. Mike and Kevin, you will not like this movie. And you will HATE the opening two minutes.
Now what did Early 2017 CJ [ECJ] say, and how does Slightly Later 2017 CJ [SLCJ] respond?:
[ECJ]: I really want this movie to be good.
[SLCJ]: It was asshole!
The problem is that the first two solo Wolverine movies …
… didn’t have enough Mystique?
… sucked because they ignored the best part of Wolverine.
Cigars? Throbbing veins? The “Old Man Logan” comic that James Mangold read and decided the only part he’d steal from it was “old”?
That is, he’s got awesome sword-claws that he can kill lots of people with.
That’s right! Why does no one explode or lose limbs whenever a superhero attacks them? Iron Man blasts a guy with his sun-gun hands and the henchman is just like “Christ, that really hurt!” What I want to see is Gambit throw one of his energized bombs and peoples’ insides explode like the Fourth of July. So when it comes to “Logan,” every single swipe needs to result in limbs falling off, bodies being split symmetrically, and entrails spilling out like it’s the end of Rambo (2008).
I know they said it’s rated R, but that probably just means someone will say “fuck” …
Professor Xavier drops a lot of F-bombs and it’s off-putting.
… and one guy will be killed kinda bloody.
A guy DOES have this happen to him when his head is chopped off. Except it isn’t done by Wolverine and it happens off-screen, which I don’t get if you have an R rating. In fact, I Googled the definition of an R rating and it said, “Contains some adult material, specifically like watching a guy getting his head chopped off.”
What this movie should be is just Wolverine …
Fucking the shit out of Jean Grey while maintaining unbroken eye contact with a bloody Cyclops, who has to sit in the corner of the room and watch?
… being forced to fight his way through an army of bad guys and decapitating and eviscerating everyone.
He does do that at the end, except it’s mainly just blood spurting out of people. This is my second-biggest gripe about Logan (biggest gripe at the end of this article). You have the R and you have a guy with sword-claws. Doesn’t that movie pretty much write itself? In fact, every scene could just end with Wolverine dicing them up. Bad guy is holding a woman hostage? Pull the girl away and then put two claws into the man’s eye sockets. A group of mercenaries stands in the way of you and your objective? Claws out, spin helicopter style at them! Order a pizza that they forgot to slice? HAND KNIFE!
But instead it’ll just be him in deep thought.
I think he does a lot of that at the beginning when he’s a limo driver. My guess is he was thinking “I sure would like to straight up murder the prom kids in the back of my limo. And then maybe I’ll go home and jerk off because all the X-Men movies have had an under-the-radar subplot about how I never get laid.”
Why did I write that?
CJ: Now on to my biggest gripe (HEAVY SPOILER):
The bad guys have developed a super weapon, called X-24. Who here needs more than one shot to guess who it is? Yep, Evil Eric Cartman.
Really though, it’s not that far off. X-24 is a second Wolverine, except I’m pretty sure he has a ponytail, wears a hoodie with the sleeves cut off, and never says a word and just grunts. The only way it could have paid off is if after a long fight, X-24 just went “Matt Daaaaamon.”