Kevin: Many of our favorite movie heroes are often defined by their very first appearance. Think Indiana Jones finally emerging from the shadows in “Raiders of the Lost Ark.” Think Sean Connery saying “Bond … James Bond” for the first time in “Dr. No.” Think Arnold Schwarzenegger carrying A GIANT TREE! on his shoulders in “Commando” (even if the rest of the opening credit sequence devolves into him feeding baby deer and getting ice cream shoved in his face by Alyssa Milano). A great hero deserves a great introduction.
And then you have John Stamos jumping on a trampoline in “Never Too Young to Die,” the winner for “Worst Hero Introduction.”
If you’ve never seen “Never Too Young to Die” then congratulations, that puts you in rare company with 99% of the planet. Those of us who have sat through it have the burden of trying to convey how hilariously insane this movie is, but let me try: Stamos is Lance Stargrove (no I didn’t make that up), a college gymnast and son of top secret agent Drew Stargrove, played by former one-and-done James Bond star George Lazenby. When dad is killed in action, it’s up to Stamos – along with 80’s sex goddess Vanity – to complete his mission of stopping the evil Ragnar from poisoning the city’s water supply with toxic waste.
Oh did I mention that Ragnar is a leather-clad heavy metal hermaphrodite played by Gene Simmons? And that he kills people by giving them “The Finger” (aka stabbing them with a sharp metal nail at the end of his, yes, middle finger)? And that he has a legion of crazed followers who he refers to as his “little turdballs”? Yeah I guess that’s worth noting as well.
Obviously only a supreme badass can stop a man like Ragnar. Well this is what we get instead:
So apparently Stargrove is a top gymnast who looks like a nervous child getting on a trampoline for the first time (of course I’ll be eating my words if he wins the Olympic Gold Medal in trampoline-jumping someday). In addition to being able to cautiously jump up and down, Stargrove also has his own peppy theme song, and can avoid danger by doing the “hey you got something on your shirt” move, so he’s pretty much ready to take on America’s enemies. I take it back, Lance Stargrove is definitely the hero a movie like “Never Too Young to Die” needs.
I can see why Stamos gave up on a big screen career and stuck to TV, because when you’ve reached the top headlining a movie like this you can only go down from there. Go get ‘em Stargrove!