While we here at Tough Guy Digest closed out 2016 with our Best and Worst lists for the year, we are kicking off 2017 with our rundown of our Most and Least Anticipated movies expected to come out in the next 12 months. Will any of these grace our Best/Worst lists at the end of this year? Only time will tell:
Most Anticipated of 2017:
“Trainspotting 2”: Normally I don’t go in for sequels that come out this long after the original, but “Trainspotting” was a really great film. I’m interested to see if Danny Boyle can give us something new that still draws upon the hallmarks of the original, or if this will simply be a lame nostalgia-fest like most sequels we get this late in the game.
“Get Out”: I’m a huge fan of Jordan Peele, and it is my hope that his departure from comedy is a success.
“Baby Driver”: I have no clue what this movie is about, but it’s directed by Edgar Wright and I have faith in him … unless it turns out that it’s actually about an infant who can drive a car.
“The Fate of the Furious”: This franchise has turned into such a monster that I constantly find myself dancing the thin line between love and hate. The movie lover in me believes it will be an expensive, loud, ridiculous spectacle with explosions and action and horrible comedic relief, which is what I like to fucking see sometimes!
“Blade Runner 2049”: The director is great and I don’t care that CJ will call me gay, I think Ryan Gosling is a gift to the silver screen.
“Dunkirk”: World War II. Christopher Nolan. Enough said.
“John Wick: Chapter 2”: I like seeing people get shot in the face, and “John Wick” will deliver that no less than 18 times between the opening and closing credits.
Least Anticipated of 2017 (A Very Long List):
“The Fate of the Furious”: Yes you read that right, this movie graces both lists! How much trouble can there be in the world that driving a car really fast will ultimately solve? It’s even more bizarre when you think about how the crew hasn’t driven to “get away” in a very long time. They’re not being chased anymore; instead they’re doing the chasing and they’ve been doing the chasing for a decade. My advice to the enemies of Dom and his crew: travel by submarine, because that’s the final frontier for these guys.
“John Wick: Chapter 2”: There’s only so many times you can watch Keanu Reeves go up against an impossibly large force single-handedly and win. Between the “Matrix” movies and the original “John Wick,” I think we’ve hit our limit.
“Saw: Legacy”: It’s never good when they tack words like “Legacy” behind a movie or TV show title. Let’s look at the definition of “legacy” – “something transmitted by or received from an ancestor or predecessor or from the past.” That sounds like an STD to me, and I’m sure this movie will spread and infect millions of people as well.
“Blade Runner 2049”: Honestly, this trailer had me going up until Harrison Ford showed up. Once I saw that old bastard and realized that it was impossible for him to be a replicant, it basically ruined the original “Blade Runner” forever, and I love the original “Blade Runner.” I love it so much I own 5 DVDs of it and that’s not a lie. Click HERE to see proof.
The list is getting really huge for movies I think will be horrible, so I’m going to just write the first thing that comes to mind when I hear the title:
“Logan”: Umm, more like NO-gan.
“Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2”: Even in space a white man remains the ultimate hero.
“Pirates of the Caribbean 5: Dead Men Tell No Tales”: Dead men tell lots of tales, five to be exact.
“Star Wars”: Please god make these stop.
“Spider-Man: Homecoming”: Oooooh I hope this is the one that’s dark and gritty.
“Kong: Skull Island”: I don’t understand why they keep bothering this goddamn ape.
“Thor: Ragnarok”: BORE … get it? It rhymes with “Thor.”
“Wonder Woman”: Bitch is HOT! If the golden lasso was made from her own piss I’d be happy to have her fling it all over me.
“Transformers: The Last Knight”: This isn’t going to be the “last” anything.
“Baywatch”: Did you see how fat Nicole Eggert eventually got?
“Kingsman: The Golden Circle”: The last movie ended with the star sodomizing a chick … might have to move this to the list up top.
“Despicable Me 3”: Hey guys, we can sell whatever toys we have left over from the last two movies, because they haven’t changed!
“Ghost in the Shell”: How many times can Scarlett Johansson play that same part from “The Avengers”?
“The Mummy”: I’d be more inclined to see this if it starred Elizabeth Hurley as a strict but fair mother in jolly old England.
“Pitch Perfect 3”: Remember how whenever someone asks if you want to go sing karaoke, you make up an excuse as to why you can’t go? Not the fans of this shit.
“Jumanji”: I was 14 when the original came out. Gas and cigarettes were super cheap. Lots of things were different, but one thing that won’t be different is that this movie will stink as much as the original.
“World War Z 2”: Great title guys, good job.
“Fist Fight”: Maybe if we’re really lucky Charlie Day will do that high-pitched thing he does.
“Justice League”: Aquaman has fucked every form of sea life in the ocean and he’s proud of it. They call him “Fish Flaps McGee.”
“IT”: “Stranger Things” comes to the big screen.
“CHiPs”: In these current times I’m sure the public is looking forward to seeing a comedy about a pair of bumbling white cops who accidentally fire upon every black motorist they see.
“Rings”: I wonder where the ghosts from these movies go to have their footage digitized and uploaded to Facebook?
“King Arthur: Legend of the Sword”: I used the same title for the documentary about my penis.
“Transformers: The Last Knight”: I already named it Best Picture of 2017 in our 2016 recap, and I have no reason to believe I will change my mind. Michael Bay continues to give me great action, top notch CGI, and robots that turn into cars. Plus, the fact that art house hipsters get more and more angry at these sequels feeds my soul. And you’re right Mike, it’s not the last of anything, they’ve got at least three more planned and I WILL BE AT EVERY SINGLE ONE.
“John Wick Chapter 2”: I will say upfront I AM worried this could go off the rails the way the “Taken” franchise did. If they stick to what worked and what people liked in the first one, we will get a great sequel. If they decide to get all lame and filmy, well god dammit.
“Dunkirk”: What Mike said.
“Justice League”: As a defender of “Batman v. Superman” (or BatSupes as I call it), I’d be a hypocrite if I all of a sudden didn’t want to see this. I also hate the online commentators who whine and complain about these movies but still see them. If it’s gonna suck or you hate it, don’t see it. It’s like the guy who says he hates baseball and then gets mad you didn’t invite him to see a baseball game. If you’re that guy, I’ll let you in on a little secret: No one likes you.
“The Fate of the Furious”: Because in 7 they had a car jump through three skyscrapers, and I have to find out what laws of physics they choose to ignore in “Fate.” This whole franchise is entertaining garbage, as our readers will soon see as we review every one of these movies over the next few months.
“Logan”: I really want this movie to be good. The problem is that the first two solo Wolverine movies sucked because they ignored the best part of Wolverine. That is, he’s got awesome sword-claws that he can kill lots of people with. I know they said it’s rated R, but that just means someone will say “fuck” and one guy will be killed kinda bloody. What this movie should be is just Wolverine being forced to fight his way through an army of bad guys and decapitating and eviscerating everyone. But instead it’ll just be him in deep thought. Eat me.
“War for the Planet of the Apes”: The first two piles of shit got 82% and 90% on Rotten Tomatoes and there is no justifiable explanation for that. But more importantly, why do I need to give a shit about Andy Serkis? Every time he’s in a movie everyone talks about how great he is and how much he brings his CGI characters to life. No he doesn’t, the animators do. Have you ever seen a movie and gone “I can’t imagine what this would have been like if they swapped out Andy Serkis for literally anyone else”? No, you haven’t, and there’s a reason.
“Bad Dads”: No confirmed cast or script, but it’s scheduled to be released in July. It will be hilarious.
“Whatever movie I have to like because it’s IMPORTANT!”
“Get Out”: When I found out Jordan Peele wrote a psychological horror movie I was in from the start. It addresses racial issues, and it’s got weird shit, and it’s from someone I respect. Done and done!
“Blade Runner 2049”: Because I don’t remember the original and we always love Han Solo!
“John Wick: Chapter 2”: Keanu Reeves beats up a bunch of people Part 15. Yes please!
“Logan”: Umm, a rated R Wolverine movie? How the fuck can you NOT WANT THIS??!!
“Spider-Man: Homecoming”: I hate Spider-Man films … until I saw this Spider-Man in the new movies. I like him, so let’s see it work.
Get Off My Screen Films of 2017:
“Saw: Legacy”: If they bring back Danny Glover to explain why he was in one of these then I’ll pay money to see this.
“Pirates of the Caribbean 5”: How much are Johnny Depp’s lawyers charging him? This much!
“Kong: Skull Island”: Maybe Sammy Jackson will leap off a cliff and try to swing with “Tarzan” … oops, wrong movie.
“Ghost in the Shell”: Scarlett Johansson plays a … never mind, it’s a legendary anime/manga that they’re trying to make real … what could go wrong? All of it!
“XXX: The Return of Xander Cage”: Because old chrome dome has never been portrayed as more of a badass than THIS movie … right …
“American Made”: Tom Cruise re-teaming with the director of “Edge of Tomorrow” would just by itself place it on this list, but I am a sucker for any true-life gangster or drug cartel movie. Even if it’s just warmed over Scorcese and closer in quality to “Blow” and “American Gangster,” I’ll still enjoy seeing what on-the-nose 70’s songs they play over the montages.
“Dunkirk”: I also look forward to any type of big budget war movie, and Christopher Nolan’s track record is pretty stellar (some might say “Interstellar,” ha ha, good one Kev!) when he’s not directing comic book flicks featuring a guy named Bane and Marion Cotillard in the worst-acted death scene of all time:
“Baby Driver”: This could go either way. Not a huge fan of most of Edgar Wright’s movies, but “Scott Pilgrim” was a blast on the big screen and this seems closer in spirit to that. Could be another future cult hit or an annoying too-cool-for-school showcase for a bunch of celebrity cameos.
“Geostorm”: From the description on IMDB: “As a man heads into space to prevent climate-controlling satellites from creating a storm of epic proportions, his brother discovers a plot to assassinate the president.” It also stars Gerard Butler. How can I not see this? (CJ: Sounds like “Olympus Has Fallen” in space. I’m obviously in as well.)
“Alien: Covenant”: No matter how much I hated “Prometheus,” I am still amazed that they managed to make a sequel and am extremely curious whether this time they can give us the movie we originally wanted to see. No matter what, it will look great and feature some bizarre narrative choices that we will pick apart over beers later.
“Logan”: For a series in which costumed superheroes shoot lasers out of their eyes and drop football stadiums on the White House, “X-Men” is the most self-important franchise in history, and never more so than in its portrayal of Wolverine, a guy who over seven movies has treated it as the world’s worst burden that he looks like Hugh Jackman, cannot be hurt, and can kill people with metal claws from his hands. If this movie features another goddamn green-tinted flashback of him being experimented upon by Gen. Stryker, I’m gonna throw my beer at the screen.
“Spider-Man: Homecoming”: Since it’s from the Marvel Factory, let me guess what the script looks like: “Quip quip quip. Hero is a friendless nerd just like target audience. More quips. Villain origin story recycled from every other Marvel movie. Pathos with hero doubting himself. “Surprise” Robert Downey Jr. cameo. More quips. Final battle with unearned emotional payoff. Pointless post-credit scene featuring more empty threats from Thanos. $500 million at box office and fat beardos proclaiming that the Sam Raimi “Spider-Man” films were piles of shit compared to this masterpiece, because they saw this the most recently.
“War for the Planet of the Apes”: I don’t like these movies for the simple fact that they are predicated on us rooting for the apes to defeat the humans. Well sorry, but I’m a human, and if such a scenario ever happened in real life I’d want the human race to win. That’s why I walked out on “Avatar” when I realized that I wasn’t supposed to be hoping to see the Marines kick the shit out of the annoying blue space hippies.
“Death Wish”: Normally I’d be more excited about Bruce Willis blowing away scum as a modern-day Paul Kersey, if only because it will be nice seeing Bruce on the big screen again and not in a VOD movie costarring Mark-Paul Gosselar or Kellan Lutz. But this is directed by Eli Roth, who may be the most incompetent yet consistently employed director working today outside of David “Suicide Squad” Ayer.
“The Fate of the Furious”: Another series whose popularity escapes me. If you are an action fan I don’t know how you can enjoy the bloodless PG-13 violence (Paul Walker defeating Tony Jaa was absolutely unforgivable). If you love car racing, I don’t see how you can abide by the weightless unrealistic CGI chase sequences (the chase in “Jack Reacher” had better car action than anything in these flicks). And I can’t get behind any franchise that is entirely built around the idea that Vin Diesel is the sexiest badass of all time.
Hold on, I have a late-breaking entry! I just found out about “Mom and Dad,” directed by Brian Taylor (“Crank,” “Gamer”) and starring Nicolas Cage as the dad. Plot: Parents are struck with a sudden homicidal urge to kill their children worldwide. Do I really need to say anything else! Put it on the anticipated list immediately! See ya soon Nic.