Drunken Reviews: CJ Goes to the EXTREME! Watching “Point Break (Newer Shittier Version)”

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Can you feel the EXTREMEness yet?

CJ: I found myself one Saturday night with nothing to do and too tired to masturbate again. Searching through HBO NOW, I stumbled on the premiere of “Point Break.” “Point Break!” I thought, “the gods are smiling upon me!” Why I thought the original “Point Break” was premiering in late 2016 is cause for concern.

Released in 1991, “Point Break” was directed by Kathryn Bigelow, best known for the Oscar-winning Hawkeye origin story “The Hurt Locker.” It starred a golden-haired, non-dead Patrick Swayze as Bodhi, the bank-robbing surfer who steals our hearts and life savings, and a baby-faced Keanu Reeves as FBI agent Johnny Utah, the cop who you assume will accidentally shoot himself. It had it all: bank robberies, surfing, failed college athletes who make good, and men who wanted their hair longer than their ladies’. It made you want both the good guys and bad guys to win. A movie tie!

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Was Gary Busey fuckable in the early ’90s? Yes.

As for the remake … what fresh hell is this?

It stars the guy who I accidentally thought shot red belly beams from his chest in “X-Men: First Class” and Edgar Ramirez, a man who has twice played a character named Javier.

With nothing to do, I grabbed some booze, pushed the cat off the couch, and jotted down whatever came to mind over the ensuing 114 minutes. With that in mind, enjoy the first Drunken Review of “Point Break (2015)”:

(I’d recommend watching along as you read this. Also, Johnny Utah is now blond and Bodhi is dark-haired and Spanish.)

Blond Johnny Utah’s friend dies in the opening scene after bike racing and jumping around cliffs in what I assume is either Arizona or Mars. I should not have laughed as much as I did at them being “cool.” I also am pretty sure this is “Cliffhanger” on bikes.

I think all the names of all the songs in this movie are called “Let it go! To the extreme! Shaun White!”

Blond Utah just had a scene with Delroy Lindo in an office building. It was green-screened. They couldn’t find enough money to film an office hallway scene.

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Luke Bracey as Utah and Delroy Lindo learning what you need to do when you want to have a nice car collection.

Why is Ray Winstone in this? I thought he was a good actor?

Blonde Keanu Reeves just died in a tidal wave while surfing. Wasn’t the whole point to establish that he was good at surfing?

Nevermind, he just woke up on a boat where a party is happening. No one has thought to check his vitals and make sure he’s OK. They were just like, “Hey, enjoy the party, I’m sure you’re fine.”

Blonde Keanu Reeves jumps into the water off the boat. He just died a few minutes ago from the same thing.

Teresa Palmer is also in this. She plays Lori Petty, except her name isn’t Tyler like in the original, it now sounds like “Samsung,” so that’s what I’m going with.

I’m 40 minutes into this, with the volume at 50, and I still can’t hear anything Spanish Patrick Swayze is saying.

Johnny Utah just did squirrel-flying off a cliff. I’m starting to think he wasn’t a quarterback.

Johnny and Spanish Swayze just hugged cause they … didn’t die?

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Edgar Ramirez as Javier Bodhi.

So the movie seems to be about something like eight tricks you need to do to find peace. But all the tricks might kill you. For peace.

They were just surfing but are clearly in Colorado.

Something finally isn’t making sense. Johnny Utah is part of the crew because he died while surfing. But this group’s whole thing is they need good extreme sports people for their robbery crew. By dying, I’m pretty sure it makes no sense for them to hire him.

Now he’s talking about the guy who died while biking in the opening scene. Spanish Swayze says it’s tragic. I’m not conveying it properly, but this is some deep shit.

This movie isn’t even halfway done.

Seriously, they are on snow-capped mountain tops in Colorado. They were JUST surfing!

Now a generic snowboarding video is playing.

“Let’s do this” has been 86% of the dialogue so far. I’m gonna put that in the “pro” column.

Still snowboarding …

They just got halfway down the mountain. I’m pretty sure there is no mountain on earth tall enough for them to only be halfway down. Utah just decided to snowboard the rest of the mountain because, I don’t know, football.

“We have to do this,” was said by Spanish Swayze, and the crew followed him down the mountain. I consider that the cousin of “Let’s do this.” Banks robbed so far: 0

Someone just died. They played him screaming as he fell off the cliff. Johnny wants to find him. No one else seems sad. I think it’s because he was committed to snowboarding and that’s the risk you take. I used to ski and when people would ask me to snowboard I’d say, “No thanks, I don’t want to fall off a cliff and die.”

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I don’t remember this part.

How’d they get his body? How’d they FIND HIS BODY?????

Now they are setting the body on fire in some really elaborate piece of art made of wood? When did they have time to make this? It’s nice, but it’s 20 feet tall and I don’t see any ladders.

Well, clearly time to have another party.

A bunch of EXTREME! people are partying. Some new character with an accent wants Johnny on his team. I think they think they are at different kinds of parties.

(shit break)

Utah is now in a room decorated entirely in pillows and bear skins. Who lives like this?

Hold on, Samsung just said something about her parents dying in an avalanche. Now she’s talking about a whaling ship and humpbacks. I think she’s either trying to hit on Johnny or actually talking about the plight of whales. I am seriously 50/50 on this. I imagine the guy with the accent is watching them angrily from afar.

Ray Winstone has video on his iPad of Johnny fucking Samsung. There is something creepy about the multitude of camera angles though. I’m no expert, but security cameras are generally located on the ceiling and not hanging in midair and sweeping around. I think the writers are starting to gloss over what makes sense.

Sleeveless vests??? I’M BACK IN!

Everyone is mad about a mine that has gold but it’s cool cause they are going to liberate the gold. I don’t know, this seems pretty stupid to me. Gold is heavy! Wait, no time for debate, they are doing it now. Lots of trucks appear conveniently.

You guys, the world is burning, so Swayze needs to steal gold, but not keep it. He also needs to run other cars off the road. You know what would be a good movie? The one where they tell the story from the POV of the workers who get caught up in this shit. They’re at work, but then this happens and they go home and are like, “Honey, I was out doing my usual truck driving job and a bunch of renegade snowboarders attacked the convoy! Marty died.”

Uh oh, Johnny just told Bodhi he’s in the FBI! Drop the gun Bodhi, he’s been your best friend for the last four days.

Avalanche of rocks. Wait, I mean rockslide. Shut up.

There is now a bike chase that started with them jumping at least 1,000 feet off a cliff. Both should be dead. I’m assuming this move takes place in the “Fast and Furious” multiverse.

Hmm, this whole movie seems to have been about Bodhi saving Johnny. But from what? His weirdly good-paying job and cool Delroy Lindo as mentor? Or was it from being too full of cum? (See John C. McGinley’s opening speech in the original if you don’t get that):

Well you’ve done it now Johnny, the director is up Delroy’s ass. This is why you follow protocol. I’m also realizing no one has gone, “Hey man, where you been the last few weeks?”

You know … they never addressed the gold situation. I don’t think they took anything. That guy died snowboarding for nothing.

This was just said: “No one would be crazy enough to do something like that.” “These guys are.”

I’m so fucking wet. Let’s do this.

There was just a chase scene in which no cars were actually chased. Budget???

Hey! A bank robbery! One guy just took a direct shotgun blast to the face. Luckily his motorcycle helmet can deflect shotgun shells. I bet the son he’s trying to do right by is happy.

I have no idea what’s been happening for the last 5 minutes. Just no idea.

Johnny just jumped off a mountain onto moving trams. No issues at all. He just shot Bodhi, but that seems too easy.

Yep, it was actually Samsung. Don’t expect an explanation. Or maybe there was one and I blacked out.

Bodhi just outran a commuter train.

I’m not even trying to be funny, I’m listing things that happen.

So after looking at picturesque pictures or places, Johnny just figured out exactly where Bodhi will be next. Out of the entire world. They provide no reasoning. He just looked at four pictures.

Wait, he just explained it. The previous places were places they could drop down into. So … basically anywhere. Literally anywhere. But he figured it out.

They are now in the Amazon. This is not Colorado.

Spanish Swayze is at that really famous natural waterfall you always see on TV. He’s scaling the face of it by hand. Utah is in pursuit, but it’s all so wet and slicky, I don’t see how they are holding on. GRIPTION!

They have scaled at least 50,000 feet in my estimation.

A henchman just chose to let go and fall to his death. Quitter.

According to Johnny, Spanish Swayze has nowhere to go. Oh yes he does: up!

Remember in that one “Mission Impossible” (I think the second one), where the trailer had Tom Cruise doing the crazy wall climbing? This is not nearly as cool as that and it’s been 5 times as long.

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Grip!

They both just survived a 75,000-foot drop from the top of a waterfall in the Amazon. No. No. Now they’ve lost me. Johnny has one cut above his eye. This movie is fucking stupid.

Whoops! They can’t find Spanish Swayze’s body. I assume he’s dead and it’s time to get back stateside and fill out those reports!

17 months later and Johnny is about to surf a bad tidal wave. I think Bodhi will be there but as a GHOST!

There he is. Driving a boat. Johnny somehow knew to fall onto it from a helicopter. I’m not sure why they green-screened this scene, it’s not an office hallway.

They just did a dudebro handshake and now Johnny is leaving and letting Bodhi do his thing. He’s not a very good cop.

SPOILER ALERT! Bodhi died surfing a giant wave. Why? I don’t know. He never robbed that final bank or that mine. Actually, what DID he do in this movie? He just kinda traveled the world and harassed people.

Johnny is back to snowboarding on the Alps. He has gotten over his friend’s death from the first scene of the movie.

The end credits song repeats “still breathing” but Spanish Swayze died via surf drowning. Dicks.

Update – Kevin Adds His Two Cents:

Kevin: Shockingly I have not yet been able to watch this, and I’ve watched “Independence Day: Liam Hemsworth Edition” twice already. I think I lost all enthusiasm when I discovered that Utah’s amazing line from the trailer (“I believe that, like me, the people behind these robberies are extreme athletes”) was nowhere to be found in the actual movie.

So not being able to comment on the remake, can we talk about what a horrible FBI agent Johnny Utah is in the original? First of all he doesn’t even come up with the theory about the bank robbers being surfers, Gary Busey has already realized that before Johnny is even introduced. He blows a major undercover operation and gets people killed after deciding that a different group of surfers are the robbers, mainly because they were assholes to him on the beach that one time. Even though it is patently obvious that Swayze and company are the robbers, he only gets suspicious because Lori Petty randomly refers to them as “ghosts” just like Busey did earlier. Good luck explaining to the judge you need a warrant based on wild conjecture and random hunches.

The only thing he gets right is knowing which bank they will rob next, but he blows it by abandoning his post to get lunch right as they are pulling up. He lets the guy in the Reagan mask escape based on the possibility that it’s his newest best buddy Swayze, then fires about 40 rounds of ammunition in the air that will probably be coming back down to earth on the nearest playground shortly.

Now if Utah is right and it is Swayze, then Utah’s cover is blown and all the robbers know who he is and where to find him. Yet he later just goes back to his place and goes to sleep with his front door unlocked and his gun nowhere near him. He helps the crew conduct a robbery that gets a cop killed, and even though involving Busey is the only smart thing he does, he of course gets him killed as well. Even after finally catching Swayze he lets him go once again, and it’s only mother nature that actually takes him down. So in essence Gary Busey and a giant wave were the only things in this movie that came close to doing their jobs correctly.

Also a bit of trivia, Matthew Broderick was at one point slated to play Utah back when the movie was titled “Riders on the Storm” and to be directed by Ridley Scott. So somewhere there is an alternate reality where Matthew Broderick plays former star Ohio State quarterback turned extreme FBI agent Johnny Utah. In that case I feel like Lori Petty would have been the way more masculine side of that coin.

To cleanse the palate, let’s remind ourselves of the awesomeness of the original:

One thought on “Drunken Reviews: CJ Goes to the EXTREME! Watching “Point Break (Newer Shittier Version)”

  1. Pingback: Kevin Considers Ritual Seppuku While Reviewing “Suicide Squad” | Tough Guy Digest

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